January 18th (Part 2) / 19th / 20th

• “Go to Alresford”
• “Good laugh at Al. Usual missing of clothes etc”
• “Got home about 5:30”

Old Alresford Place was built in the 17th Century as a country parish rectory.

In the 1800’s it became the home of the Rt Hon Reverend Sumner, whose wife Mary  founded the Mothers Union, now a worldwide christian organisation boasting a membership of over 3 million grassroots volunteers and helpers.

The lovely building became a stylish commercial “christian retreat” deep in the heart of the Hampshire countryside.

Here’s what I remember – and what I am willing to openly divulge – about my two night stay there in 1974…

• It was run by a bunch of nuns. If not nuns, then women who dressed in some kind of nun-like garments

• The dining room was massive, containing a HUGE and very solid dining table that sat around 30 or more people

• I was there for some kind of ‘religious’ retreat thing organised by my TIB group, a group which included Val (my unattainable crush), one of my best teenage chums (Trev) and sundry other nefarious characters.

• Also in attendance – from another religious group that presumably ran ‘parellel’ to ours – was Angela (again, name changed to protect her identity). Yes, the same Angela with whom I had shared a certain ‘ religious experience ‘ during a sleepover at a vicar’s residence in February 1973.

• All the different groups got together for praying and general religious brainwashing in a chapel somewhere on the premises.

• We also had writing and drawing lessons and I seem to recall some singing songs rubbish one of the afternoons whilst our vicar played a guitar. There was also a crappy football match.

• I can CLEARLY remember spending (at least) a couple of hours sat – with my feet dangling outside – one of the dorm room windows on the upper floor with my little cassette player blaring (and I mean BLARING) the opening sequence from The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again” on constant repeat. I don’t think alcohol was involved, but I can’t be 100% certain. (Funny how certain things can’t be forgotten isn’t it?)

• I remember seeing Angela in the grounds below looking up at me and smiling & waving. Then coming to our dorm room and quietly asking me if we were going to repeat our ‘time’ of a year or so earlier.

• Each dorm room slept 8 teenagers.

• In the most respectful way I can possibly express this, let me say that our dorm room slept nine.

This religion stuff wasn’t all bad.

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June 7th 1972

“Done studies for art exam” / “went out in evening. played hide + seek over park. ooh, so bludy exciting”

Please note that “bludy” – despite the terrible spelling – represents the very first swear word in my diaries!! In later years I think it goes without saying that I did learn to swear properly!

I like my interesting use of grammar, especially considering I was attending a grammar school and everything, in the sentence “done studies for art exam“. I am sure that nowadays that kind of language is tolerated, but back then I would have hoped to conduct myself with a little more decorum than that quite frankly?

“hide and seek over the park” – whatever form it took, and whomever I may have played it with – I ask you, a 14-year-old teenager playing hide & seek? Puh-lease! – evidently had me bored out of my skull if the sarky qualifier “ooh, so bludy exciting” is to be believed all these years later. Maybe that church weekend of boobie-juggling made me intolerant of all less-interesting activities?

May 22nd 1972

“no more norty things. bit tired all day but not to worry”

Blimey, I’m not surprised I was tired.

That was, apparently, one (if the word can be excused under the circumstances) hell of a sleepless church weekend!!

“but not worry” makes me appear ridiculously nonchalant about it all though, especially when the “no more norty things” is taken into account.

Isn’t it strange that years later I would – as many men do – unashamedly ‘boast’ about my sexual exploits, but at the age of 14 – at, pretty much, my introduction to all the fumbling tomfoolery – I reduced everything to a few lines of inconsequence.

I am, quite possibly, as disappointed as you dear reader.

May 21st 1972

“locked val and sue out of their room in afternoon” / “service in afternoon” / “more norty tricks” / “got home at 5:15, found out that have lost pen”

Lest we forget the true purpose of the weekend, “service in the afternoon” probably relates to something ‘church-esque’. I am pretty sure it doesn’t suggest anything untoward, *ahem*, if readers get my drift?

Apparently, it was straight from the vestibule and back to “more norty tricks“. The, sadly, only-vaguely-recalled  ‘orgy’ continuing somewhat unabated it would seem? (I wish I could remember more about it, oh, I really do!)

That final sentence of the diary entry made me – as it may have done you, dear reader – REALLY laugh out loud. For all the reasons you are thinking of, as well as all of those of my own!

Isn’t it a fantastic ode to extraordinary teenage naivety though? A weekend of apparently unbridled shenanigans featuring my introduction to ‘the female form’… and my reaction was akin to “where’s my bloody pen?”

an aside (II)

I need to clarify something.

I received a handful of e-mails today, more or less asking “Good god man, you first had sex at 14?!”

No, I did not.

Sure, I indulged in some harmless fumbling, but the *ahem* complete ‘sausage in a basket’ thing did not happen to me until much later in life. (I’ll admit I was something of a ‘late developer’ in that regard)

 In American terminology, I think that over this weekend I got to what is commonly known as “third base”, but – and to continue the analogy – then Cincinnati Reds’ Adam Dunn stepped up to the plate.

May 20th 1972

“more norty tricks” / “played football, won 20-5, scored twice” / “Shared with S.B. in s.bag”

My diary makes this weekend sound like an utter bacchanalian event, interspersed only with food and the beautiful game?

Given the final subject matter however, the Benny Hill in me is trying hard not to say “surely I scored more than just the twice?!” Wey-hey!

So, “S.B” became the first woman I ever ‘slept’ with. A church weekend… I’ll repeat that again… a church weekend offered up my life’s introduction to ‘naked fumbling grubbiness’ and maybe the only time I could genuinely and honestly say “sorry darling, that has never happened to me before”

If religion was always like that weekend, there is a chance I might have actually stuck with it.

May 19th 1972

“TIBS weekend” / “Abbots Road by 6, rave up in A’s room” / “Arrived at 7. Had supper. Unpacked. Played Norty Tricks. Brilliant Fun”

OK, it’s time to play something of the “voyeur” with my teenage self.

This was an away-from-home weekend, linked to my T.I.B church group. Not just the individuals in my own little ‘sect’, but fellow teens from other similar weekly gatherings across the region. If I was a guessing man, 36 years later, I would say there were probably 20 to 30 people all ‘crashing’ at this minister’s private residence linked to the church I (sometimes) attended.

A veritable cornucopia of people and their sleeping bags. Brought together by the almighty. I certainly had my eyes opened, but not for any spiritual reason.

I have complete zero recall of the “rave up in A’s room“, but I suspect that the words “rave up” in 1972 meant something completely different to the connotations later applied to them. Maybe a can or two of warm cider, the odd scream or giggle, most probably accompanied by acne-ridden suggestive glances across the room.

Despite the appalling spelling, “Norty tricks” relates to something far more… erm… undocumented in the bible. Personal acts between teenage girls and boys that may or may not deny them automatic entry to heaven come redemption day. It was, as I mentioned yesterday, something of an ‘awakening’ for me, even if this awakening involved nothing more invasive than harmless fumbling over, in and around various items of clothing. With, I am somewhat both proud and embarrassed to state later in life, more than just one girl. Go me!

What’s really important though is that I evidently had supper first. Wouldn’t want to get into all that hanky-panky without some food in my belly.